The Twelfth Annual Halloween Hoo-Ha

Howdy, Pittsburgh. You may remember us from such bitchin’ parties as “The One From Two Years Ago When the Toilets Exploded.” And “That One Where the Ukrainian Pizza Delivery Guy Passed Out On the Billiards Table.” And who could forget “The Night of Seven Pukings?”

Well guess what? It’s October. Halloween will be here faster than Jane Orie to a Mary Kay liquidation sale. That mean it’s pert near time for the Twelfth Annual Toland Family Halloween Hoo-Ha, Now Fortified (Five Years Running!) With Vitamin Breen. (Abbreviated, the TATFHHHNF(FYR!)WVB.)


AN ANNOUNCEMENT FROM H.R.:

In addition to Breen Masciotra's promotion to vice president of financial services, Bethany Davidson will now be leading the TATFHHHNF(FYR!)WVB’s strategic planning and product development committee, effective immediately. She replaces David Levine, who is leaving the TATFHHHNF(FYR!)WVB for personal reasons (Internet porn addiction).

We wish him well in his future endeavors.


ON WITH IT ALREADY:

Yep, it’s just a month away, our regularly scheduled celebration of the day that, according to the Bible, the Lord raised Lazarus, who turned out, somewhat unfortunately, to be a bloodthirsty nightwalker who feasted on the flesh of Jerusalem’s townfolk. (NT, Book of Zombies, 11:1-45: “Jesus called in a loud voice, ‘Lazarus, come out!,’ and the dead man did, and the Lord proclaimed ‘GAAAAAAAH put down that severed arm.’”)

And guess what? You’re invited! This is your Official Exclusive Certified Invitation, signed and notarized by none other than Jamie Pavlot. (Two, count ’em, two separate Jane Orie jokes.)

And guess what else? The TATFHHHNF(FYR!)WVB remains banned in Chatham Village and Clear Story Studio -- and also Iron City Brewery!

Why are we banned from Iron City Brewery? Because you cannot just jump on a pallet lift and drive it around whenever you please, that’s why, Tony D’Abruzzo.

And because fire extinguishers are for emergency use only, Jenni Easton.

But you know what that means? It means we have an awesome new venue this year: The former Firehouse Lounge in the Strip District. It closed this summer, but we know a great locksmith.

Naturally, the Conti Rule, the Shellhammer-DiFilippo Rule, the Kusic Rule, Neubauer Rules (Nos. 1 & 2), the Futurama Rules (Nos. 1 & 2), the Geisha Rule and the Do Not Pee In The Wastebasket Rule will be in strict effect.

As always, the Golden Pumpkin will be awarded at the end of the night.


AN APPEAL TO YOUR SENSE OF CITIZENSHIP:

Friends, Romulans, countrymen, strangers whose email addresses we collected in 1999 and never deleted from our rolodex, let us be frank with you -- America need this party now more than ever. It’s been another turd sandwich of a year: The Pirates were total dick teases, Ashton and Demi are on the rocks, teen heartthrob Anthony Weiner tweeted his crotch to the world, there was a friggin’ earthquake in Virginia and, as of this writing, noted crazy person Michele Bachman still wants to be president of the United States.

Truly, these are times that try men’s souls.

It is your patriotic duty to attend this party.


A VERY IMPORTANT MAJOR ANNOUNCEMENT:

We are again collecting an advance cover charge this year, to help us pay for the venue and for all the booze and beer, plus the snackies.

It’s $10. What a bargain! And it’s still $20 less than all those wankers over at The Evaline are paying.

Step 1) Visit our ShowClix site at http://www.showclix.com/event/75976

Step 2) Select how many tickets you want / people are coming, then click on “Get Tickets.”

Step 3) Have your credit or debit card ready. ShowClix does the rest.

So easy an Irishman could do it.

Pay up for yourself; or pay for you and your sweetie; or pay for you and a friend; and so on, and so forth.

So. We’ll keep a list of advance payees at the door so we know who is paid up. THERE WILL BE NO CASH COVER AT THE DOOR. ALL TICKETS MUST BE PURCHASED IN ADVANCE.

NO EXCEPTIONS. NO MERCY.

So pay up. Do it now. Do it right now!! The sooner the better.

http://www.showclix.com/event/75976


THE SKINNY:

What: TATFHHHNF(FYR!)WVB:

When: 9 p.m., Saturday, Oct. 29.

Where: The former Firehouse Lounge in the Strip District, 2216 Penn Ave.
F.A.Q.

Q. I’ve heard that this is the social event of the season. Word?
A. Word.

Q. What about The Evaline?
A. Eff the Evaline.

Q. Do I have to wear a costume?
A. Of course you do. Don't be a jerk.

Q. What's the Golden Pumpkin?
A. It's the trophy that, each year, goes to the person / couple / group with the best costumes. Last year's trophy winners were Josh and Lindy Burns, for their dazzling Herman and Lily Munster interpretation.

Q. What's with all these rules?
A. The Conti Rule says you may not come to the party dressed as the scarecrow from the Wizard of Oz. The Neubauer Rules say 1) you may not dance on the billiard table, or any other piece of furniture for that matter, and 2) no puking on the premises. NO PUKING ON THE PREMISES! Honestly, we cannot stress this one enough.

The Shellhammer-DiFilippo Rule says you may not, under any circumstances, slide down the steps on your rear end. The Kusic Rule says that you may not walk to the nearest bar, buy a couple shots of 151, bring them back to the party, light a brown paper bag on fire, and try to blow a giant ball of flames out of your mouth.

The Futurama Rules Nos. 1 & 2 say 1) No wrapping yourself head to toe in Saran wrap, and 2) No breaking into the first-aid kit and covering yourself in Band-Aids. The Geisha Rule says, No absconding with a bottle of pineapple rum, drinking the whole thing, then passing out for two hours in the cellar.

The “Do Not Pee In The Wastebasket Rule” is self-explanatory.

These rules are for your own safety. Violators will be aggressively noogied.

Q. Are there any new rules for 2011?
A. Yes. The Easton Rule. Do not discharge the fire extinguishers, no matter how artistic and ethereal the subsequent photos might turn out.

Q. Will Bill’s Famous Mystery Punch be served?
A. You betcha!

Q. Will there be a secret celebrity guest this year?
A. Yes. Jamie Pavlot.

Q. Are friends and significant others welcome?
A. Always.

Q. What about friends of friends?
A. OK.

Q. And their friends?
A. Let’s not get carried away.

Q. Why can’t I pay at the door?
A. Because it is our party and we make the rules.

Q. What should I bring?
A. Food, if you wish. Alcohol, if you wish. Desserts are always nice.

Q. Will there be tunes? Booty-shaking?
A. Yep and yep. Tunes and booty-shaking once again provided courtesy of DJ Syd.

Q. Beer pong? Flip-cup?
A. We’ll see.

Q. How do I get there?
A. If you can find the Strip District, you can find 2216 Penn Ave.

Q. What if I get lost on the way to the party?
A. Call Bill at 412.337.1738, Kim at 412.600.0834, Breen at 412.952.4190, or Bethany at 267.994.9340. Taxi service is available through 1-800-TAXI-CAB, or 412-321-8100 (Yellow Cab), or 412-322-5080 (Classy Cab). Taxis are always preferable to steering your car into a fire hydrant. Please imbibe responsibly.